


Smooth Operator

by AnnaFan



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Coming of Age, F/M, Laws and Customs of the Eldar, Sex Fail, repeatedly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8009737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaFan/pseuds/AnnaFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ah, fanon tropes, gotta love 'em.  Boromir the misogynist.  Boromir the womaniser.  Boromir the naive ingenue just waiting for a 21st century 10th walker to show him the delights of bodily union.  So what was the real Boromir like?</p><p>With thanks to Wheelrider - a throwaway joke in one of her works-in-progress sparked off this piece of daftness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smooth Operator

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wheelrider](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wheelrider/gifts).



Faramir lay in his narrow bed in the houses of healing, staring at the ceiling. Valar, he had made a complete idiot of himself. "Flowers fair and maidens fairer…" What had possessed him? Mind you, he wasn't the first son of Denethor to make an idiot of himself over a woman. His mind drifted back to when he had been 16, Boromir 21. 

Boromir had announced that he wasn't entirely convinced about following the teachings of the Laws and Customs of the Eldar, particularly not when it came to the fairer sex. And so Faramir had found himself dragged to a succession of taverns out on the villages scattered round the environs of Minas Tirith where there was some vague hope of anonymity.

"Comest thou hence oft times?" This one didn't even cause the maiden in question to pause in the conversation she was having with her friend.

Boromir sought advice from his comrades. The young corporal, newly married and missing his pretty wife, suggested a romantic approach.

"Verily, Valinor must be missing a Maia…" This did at least elicit rolled eyes before a return to her conversation. With someone else.

The dashing lieutenant, something of a success with the ladies, said the trick was to make a back handed compliment, with a bit of an undermining twist thrown in to salt the mixture. “Puts you on the front foot, her on the back foot.”

“Your hair is like Elbereth's midnight firmament – means I can almost not notice your big nose.”

The girl burst into tears and fled sobbing. Boromir spent the rest of that evening feeling horribly guilty. Faramir went off to comfort her, telling her he thought her nose was very nice. Ironically, this gesture proceeded, via the time-honoured route of “one thing leading to another”, to Faramir unexpectedly becoming the more experienced of the pair of them. 

The grizzled troop sergeant said "You have to get down and dirty – make suggestive remarks. They pretend they want to be treated like fine porcelain, but actually they secretly pine for a man who'll give them a damn good seeing to."

"You know, my vambraces would look great on the floor of your bed chamber..." 

Slap!

The sergeant again: "You need to be suggestive, go for clever jokes..."

"Those grey eyes, that glossy raven hair… Have you got some Numenorean in you?" Pause. Attempt at suggestive wiggle of eyebrow. "Would you like some Numenorean in you?"

Even harder slap.

Faramir's contribution at this point was to suggest that Boromir would have more success if he was just himself.

"So, what part do you think axle positioning made in improvements to the speed of chariots during the invasion of the wainriders?" Beautiful grey eyes... now glazing over.

After a year of this, Boromir stood in the temple of Nienna and publicly affirmed his commitment to the Laws and Customs of the Eldar.

Faramir rolled onto his side. A faint smile played round his lips. For the first time in weeks, he had managed to think of his brother without sadness. And perhaps "flowers fair and maidens fairer" wasn't the worst chat-up line in history.


End file.
